My imperfect journey with breastfeeding and advice to help you on your own journey.

When I was pregnant I focused all my energy on preparing for the actual labor and delivery of my baby. I made a birth plan. I took a prenatal class. I packed my hospital bag. And every night I listened to a ‘positive affirmations’ track to help me mentally prepare for childbirth. I thought I was ready for what was going to be the most painful (and rewarding) experience of my life.

Except I wasn’t.

Yes, delivering a baby is hard. But fuck breastfeeding is on a whole other level of hard (physically, mentally and emotionally). I wasn’t even close to being prepared for what I was about to experience.

My journey with breastfeeding was everything but beautiful. It was a constant struggle and an internal battle I dealt with every day for three months before I had nothing left in me to give. I know for some breastfeeding is as easy a breathing but for others it’s not so simple.

I’m sharing my very personal journey with the universe in hopes that it may help other mamas struggling and going through a similar experience. You are not alone. And if you don’t want to read my story, you can skip all the way down to the bottom and just read my advice for struggling breastfeeding mamas.

Day 1:

After 12 hours of labour my daughter, Draper was born. The nurse instantly put her on my chest while I wiped away the happy tears. Shortly after all the routine checks the nurse turns to me and said, ‘are you ready to try and feed her?’

Not having a clue what I was doing I threw this 10-minute old floppy baby girl onto my boob and she sucked vigorously. Imagine the strongest vacuum suction and multiply it by 100. The nurse said everything looked good but ughhh it was painful. I felt a constant pinching, but they said it would subside. The next 24 hours at the hospital was a blur. Family and friends came for a visit, nurse was in and out of the room, we tried to get some sleep and of course I breastfed A LOT. Every one-two hours she was on the boob. I was so clueless but one thing I knew for sure was it hurt like hell. I kept asking the nurse to help. They would assist in latching and it would feel okay for a bit but then the pain would come back. I honestly thought this was normal. I thought that eventually the pain would go away. But it never did.

HELLO MILK

The day after I got home from the hospital I was still experiencing pain while feeding but was pushing through it by deep breathing and the famous Jack Newman cream.

Then it happened. My milk came in and it came in with a vengeance. I swear I had porn star boobs. They were hard as a rock. I’ve never seen anything like it before. I couldn’t wear a shirt I had to just walk around topless holding cabbage on my breasts just to ease the pain. I had SO much milk. Talk about overproduction! They were like machine guns shooting milk all over the house. And Poor Draper got the worst of it. I would shoot milk all over her face when trying to latch and she would choke because it was coming in so fast. But she was gaining weight well, so I thought I was doing something right even though at this point my nipples were completely raw, cracked and bleeding.

When it was time to feed her a wave of anxiety would fill my body. I would cringe in fear when trying to get her to latch. I don’t think words can accurately describe how sore it was. Toe curling, cringing, scream worthy pain. But I kept on going. I was determined to make breastfeeding work.

Seeking help

Things were getting worse. I had so much milk I was changing breast pads on an hourly basis. I had to buy nipple shells because I couldn’t have them touch fabric without crying. Showering was impossible because the water running against my nipples was unbearable.

We had this flyer from the hospital that said “Free breastfeeding clinic” so finally decided to check one out. Turns out I was not latching Draper properly nor did I have her positioned properly which is why I was experiencing so much breast AND back pain. We left the clinic feeling great!! I thought it for sure it would be smooth sailing from here.

A couple of good days went by and things started to hurt again. So, I went back to the clinic and this time saw a different nurse. She helped me with the latch and position and once again I left feeling good. For some reason whenever I breastfed at the clinic with the nurse in the room I didn’t feel pain but when I would get home it would all go to shit. I would be in tears so frustrated with why this wasn’t working for me. I was in such excruciating pain all the time. I kept thinking the pain was due to how damaged my nipples were. So, I thought if I took a week break from breastfeeding in order to allow them to heal that I’d have better luck with feeding in the future.

Pump, feed, sterilize repeat

For a week I stayed home topless to let my nipples air out in hopes they would heal. I pumped constantly all day and night in order to feed Draper the breastmilk I thought she needed. She took a bottle like a champ and I’m lucky I had SO much milk to keep up with her demand. My days consisted of pumping, feeding, cleaning, sterilizing, diaper changing and sleeping. Sometimes I can still hear that horrible sound of the electric double pump ringing in my ears 'weyooahh'. I swear it haunts me.

I was exhausted but I thought it was the answer to my problem. Thank god for my mom who would spend all day at my house supporting me and helping me with whatever I needed. And thank god for my husband who would work all day then come home to help me anyway he could.

After a week of exclusive pumping my nipples felt a lot better. They were still not completely healed but they were getting there and mentally I felt better. However, I was terrified that after a week of bottle feeding that Draper wouldn’t latch on the breast so back to the breastfeeding clinic I go to try breastfeeding again with professional help. And just like that she latched back on and sucked vigorously. I wasn’t in as much pain as before, so I thought the break must have really helped.

Why wont the pain go away!?

Fast forward a week or so and I was back in excruciating pain. I felt so defeated and a failure as a mother. I couldn’t understand why this wasn’t working for me. And poor Draper. At this point she had ‘suck blisters’ all over her lips from all the vicious sucking and desperately trying to latch onto my breast. The doctors told us it was normal but looking back now I should have known that something was not right.

It was around the 5-week mark when I tried a nipple shield. I thought this was the best invention ever. It protected my destroyed nipples while feeding. I went on like this for a while, but it was SO annoying having to use it at every feed. I knew it was not sustainable.

After talking to another mama friend, she suggested I get in touch with a lactation consultant (LC) that would come to my home and help me on my journey. She was great. I felt so much better getting the help in the comfort of my own home. WHY didn’t I do this earlier?!?! Once again she helped me with my latch and gave me a new routine to follow to help me heal my nipples and reduce the pain.

Healing Routine:

• After every feed, soak nipples with salt water using shot glasses

• Rub breast milk on nipples and let air dry

• Apply plain polysporin ointment (apparently the Jack Newman cream had something in it that made my nipples sting)

• Every couple of hours apply hydrogel pads which is basically the same technology nurses use to treat bed sores.

I did this every day for a week while continuing to breast feed Draper. I was STILL in pain and at this point almost ready to throw in the towel. So we met with the LC yet again. But this time she was concerned because Draper had not gained any weight. She was so fussy because she was starving. In the midst of all the screaming the LC noticed Drapers tongue wasn’t moving around in her mouth like it should be. She thought that Draper might have a tongue tie and referred us to a kid’s dentist.

What’s a tounge tie?

A tongue tie exists when the thin piece of tissue, called the frenulum, which connects the tongue to the floor of the mouth, is too thick or too tight so that the mobility of the tongue is restricted. It may affect several areas of a person’s life but has the greatest implications for breastfeeding because this is when the greatest tongue mobility is necessary for the baby to receive enough milk and for the mother to be comfortable breastfeeding and not in pain.

The answer to my question

The next day we got an appointment and within seconds of looking in Drapers mouth she was diagnosed with a posterior tongue tie. This kind of tie is found underneath the mucous membrane covering. They must be felt to be diagnosed and are often missed when not properly examined. Babies with this kind of tie are often misdiagnosed as having a short tongue. The dentist was able to release the tie with a soft tissue laser that would cauterize the incision immediately. I waited in the waiting room in absolute tears alongside my husband who had to be strong for the three of us. I was so afraid of the pain Draper would feel after all she was still so young. But when I saw her I had to laugh because she was doing what she did best - sucking vigorously on her soother.

They had a LC on staff and she asked me to breastfeed immediately to help ease Drapers pain. Immediately it felt better because Draper was able to move her tongue in order to pull out the breastmilk. Basically, she didn’t have to work as hard to eat. I was so relieved that things were looking up for us and that I finally understood what was causing all that pain.

Too good to be true

A week after the surgery I was in a lot less pain and I actually started to believe I was getting a hold on this whole breastfeeding thing. I would love to say it finally got better but it didn't.

Draper started to get super fussy every time I tried to feed her. She would latch fine but within a couple of minutes pull off and start to scream. She would hit my chest and get so frustrated with me that she would almost turn purple from screaming so hard.

So back to the LC we went... again. She explained to us that for the first 6 months of Draper's life I was over producing milk so even though Draper wasn’t able to easily draw out the milk because of her tongue tie, she was able to get enough food because of my over production. But now my milk had completely crashed and I was barely producing anything which made Draper very frustrated at the breast.

Now I was on a mission to increase my milk supply. Something I never thought I’d have to deal with considering how much milk I had at the beginning. I started taking the highest dose of the drug Domperidone, I drank mothers milk tea every chance I could get, I ate oatmeal, I took fenugreek and Blessed Thistle supplements and I even tried this horrible tasting Motherlove More Milk herbal supplement. I did everything I could to increase my supply. But day after day nothing changed. Draper started refusing the breast all together and I still wasn’t able to produce the amount of milk she needed. The only time she would breastfeed was in the middle of the night when she was half asleep or if I had someone around like my husband or sister that could tap her bum to distract her while I breastfed her. Weird I know but it worked.

Happy with my decision to move on and let go

This went on for a while but I found I she wasn’t getting enough milk on the breast so I began to top her off with breastmilk in a bottle or tube supplementing. Then it got to the point where I wasn’t even able to pump enough so my doctor suggested I consider formula. This broke my heart. I'll never forget the day I left Draper with my mom and drove to Shoppers to buy the formula. I cried the entire time. I felt like a failure once again. But at the same time I was tired. I was tired of the physical and mental pain. I was tired of fighting with Draper every time I tried to feed her. I was tired of the emotional rollercoaster I was on. And I was tired of trying to live up to what society was telling me is best for my baby "breast is bed" (ugh I passionately hate that saying!). I actually started to resent my daughter and I sure wasn’t having fun.

So yes, after three months I threw in the towel and put Draper on formula. It was hardest decision at the time but now I can honestly say it was the best decision I’ve made. Draper is the happiest girl in the world. She has a full belly and she is thriving (you should see her thighs!!) I now get to enjoy life with my little ray of sunshine instead of living under this grey cloud of pain and anxiety. Although part of me is sad that my breastfeeding journey ended sooner than I had hoped, I can honestly say I gave it 150% and that is good enough for me.

Looking back now I can tell you confidently that I learned the only way I can be a good mom to my daughter is to do what is best for her and I. No one else. I had to learn to ignore what society told me was 'right' and listen to my gut. And I am so glad I did.

For all you moms out there reading this and struggling with your own journey I hope this gives you some peace of mind that you are not alone. Its OK to feel frustrated. Its OK to want to give up a million times. Its OK to cry in the shower as milk pours down your body. Breastfeeding is tough. It's not all rainbows and butterflies like you imagine it will be. So I leave you with this...

ADVICE FOR STRUGGLING BREASTFEEDING MOMS:

Get help and support early. Breastfeeding shouldn’t hurt. If it does, be persistent and get early intervention if you are struggling with latching. Don’t leave it to correct itself on its own. Be your own (and your child’s) best advocate. Get help and don’t settle if you feel like you are not getting the answers you need. There are Lactation Consultants, Facebook groups, Local Community Groups, La Leche League etc out there that are great resources. Please just don’t suffer in silence because often the problem can be fixed quite easily. And don't forget about tounge ties! I personally feel like they aren't talked about enough when it comes to breastfeeding. If you feel a pinching, get a professional to check for a tongue or lip tie!

Avoid comparisons. I think the biggest mistake nursing mamas make (I did this too) is compare themselves to what other nursing mamas are doing. Each nursing relationship is unique and each mama has their own set of challenges. Focus on yourself and your baby.

Breast isn’t always best. Breastfeeding is a complex system that needs to work for both parties. If it’s not working for you AND your baby, alternatives should be considered. New moms have to be the best they can be for their babies even if that means changing a plan you were dead set on prior to giving birth. Feeling tremendously overwhelmed and an enormous amount of stress has much more of a negative effect on her baby than not breastfeeding. Babies are sponges and react to what we are feeling. A calm and confident mom is so crucial to our babies’ development and the foundation for building a healthy, secure attachment; the most important thing a baby needs at the beginning of their life.

You are a good mom. This is probably the most important thing and the one that took me the longest to realize. How you feed your baby is not a one-size-fits-all approach, and it is important to take the unique and individual needs of you and your baby into account to decide what is right for you both. Whether this means supplementing with formula, combination feeding, occasionally offering a bottle, fully formula feeding or anything in between - you should never feel ashamed or guilty for how you feed and care for your baby.

The bottom line is that you do care.

You love your child and its what makes you an amazing mom regardless of how you feed your baby. Don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

xoxo

LDT